Week 7 Day 1

So, 7 weeks into this and the truth is I've done crap! I get a good start for a few days, then just slack off.  When I'm doing really good, I feel so strong and so proud of myself. So why do I screw that up? The other day I read a blog post of a friend. He said to succeed you have to know why you really want to do it. Not just the answers we're supposed to have. Be healthier, have more energy, be a good example. The real reason. Deep in your heart. I think that's my problem. I don't know. Yes, I want all those things. And yes, I want to look better. But what is the real, deep down, root of it all, reason. I've been fat since the day I was born. I've never in my life had a year, a month, a week, that I wasn't fat. It's what I know. Maybe the problem isn't that I don't know the reason I want it. Maybe the problem is fear. If I succeed and lose the weight I want, will it change who I am? I've seen it happen to people. I like the person I am. I guess I'm afraid that by completely changing the outside, the inside will change as well. I've also always had a fear of rejection. The man I love fell in love with me as I am now. He tells me every day how beautiful I am. Will it change the way he sees me? Will he not be as attracted to me? I know him well enough to know that his love for me is not just physical attraction, but after years of being "the fat girl" you get used to the fact that you are attractive to men who "have a thing for big girls".  He also tells me how proud of me he is. He's encouraging but doesn't push. That's because he's going to love me fat or thin. I have to keep reminding myself of that every day. Sometimes it's just easier to say "Why risk it"? However, he may like what he sees, but when I look in the mirror, I don't. And I have to keep remembering that this is about me. Another thing I have problems with. It's hard for me to think in those terms. If I'm ever going to be able to be happy with what I see in the mirror, I have to get over my fear. I know the truth, and I have to stop letting that negative voice in the back keep scaring me away. I have to start loving myself enough to say "I will be the person I want to be inside and out". I can and will do this. And nothing is going to stop me. 

Week 6 Day 2

Yeah, yeah. I know. Way to go at keeping focused! Damn! Ok, I have a new reason to recommit here. My friend Katie is working her butt off! She's working with a trainer every day, and he's pushing her to insane limits. And the great part is she's making it! Doing everything he says. Pushing to points she never imagined going. Now, he's decided she should be exercising 3 times a day! Every day! She has been such an inspiration I've made a decision. I've told Katie that I'll will do this with her! She's not here so I can't use her trainer, but if she can work, go to school, and still do this, I damn well can too! So, starting tomorrow it's exercise 3 times a day! 

Week 5 Day 1

Well, the past week I lost .4 pound. Ugh! Still sitting at 21 pounds since the end of April. April is not a happy camper. That 7 pounds a month. Last time I did this I lost 65 pounds in 4 months! I know, I said I was willing to do this slow and steady, but this really isn't what I had in mind! I was thinking more like 2.5 pounds a week instead of 5. I will say though, there has been no movement at all on my scale for over a week until yesterday and that's a couple of days after making the decision to just start listening to my body! I noticed also that when I stopped obsessing over how much water I was drinking, I started drinking more!  Here's the funny part..Saturday I just felt blah.. I did nothing all day. Lay in bed watching John Wayne movies. Ate all kinds of crap I shouldn't have. Drank 3 cans of Coke. Sunday...dropped .2. Monday...dropped another .2  Maybe I just needed a break! 
So, now I guess it's time to get back to it! Oh, no ChaLean for a while. I've decided to start it after I lose another 20 pounds. I'm gonna work on my diet, and basic exercises to get my stamina built up some! 

Week 4 Day 4

Feeling kinda cruddy today. I'm listening to my body and resting today. Tomorrow I'll have the girls all day and I'm sure I'll more than make up for any exercise I lost today! I've decided it's time to start listening to what my body tells me.  If I'm hungry, I'll eat. If I'm not, I won't. If I'm thirsty, I'll have some water, If I'm tired, I'll sleep. Of course my body will tell me it doesn't feel like exercising. Oh well, I can't listen to it all the time. That's when it will have to listen to me! 

Week 4 Day 3

Well, I didn't get Chalean done today. That's ok. I had a good day. Worked at the shop for a while, then spent the rest of the day with the girls. We put up a new tree swing for them and they loved it! I don't think I've heard "again! again!" so many times in my life!! In case you didn't know, pushing a swing is a great workout!! We went grocery shopping and had a fantastic dinner. The only downer of the day is Christi's doctor says 4 more weeks of recovery. No lifting anything heavier than the baby, no driving, no cleaning, basically nothing more than actually taking care of the baby. So that means another 4 weeks of Scott having to be home with her all the time! It's frustrating for both of them, and  it's financially difficult on me, but we'll get through it. Just another reason I need to keep working out!!

Week 4 Day 2

Got back to the shop and worked and sweated, came home and cleaned the kitchen, ChaLean seriously kicked my butt tonight! Had an awesome Subway sandwich. No, it wasn't a BMT or a spicy italian! I got a healthy one! I'm feeling really good! Tired, but good! I've decided to try to do things this way: mornings- 30 minutes on the Gazelle before work, then my ChaLean in the evening! On the 2 ChaLean rest days I'm going to do exactly that! I'll still do the Gazelle every morning and start working my way up to an hour. So, that means I've got to start getting to bed on time so I can drag my ass out of it in the morning! I'm feeling like I'm off to a good start after my "recommitting"! Now, I just have to keep it up! 

Week 4 Day 1

So, to be perfectly honest the first 3 weeks of this project have not exactly gone the way I imagined! That ends now! I've got my Chalean, I've got my Gazelle, I've got my AbLounger, and I've got my brain! I have everything I need to do this right! It's a shame being fat is so unhealthy because it's so easy! I know that becoming healthy will get easier over time as I get used to living a different lifestyle, but damn! I've got to do something about my smoking too. I'm aware that it's the main reason I can't do more as far as physical activity. I'm hoping that as I spend more time being active, I'll spend less time with the damn cigarette in my mouth! I can't make the decision to lose weight and quit smoking at the same time. I've tried that before and it's just not something I can do. Maybe if I was at that last 20 pounds it would be easier. For now, I'm going to work on balancing the scale, increase activity, decrease smoking. At least I'm smart enough not to do what I saw today. A woman out doing a power walk with a cigarette in her mouth! Really??? Sure is a good thing I'm not a drinker too! So....Week 4: I'm recommitting myself to getting my exercise in EVERY day. That's every single day. Something, no matter what it is. Chalean, Gazelle, AbLounger, cutting the grass, cleaning out the garage, running in the park with the girls....as long as I'm moving!!! 

Week 3 Day 7

I feel great! I'm hot, sweaty, and exhausted. Ready for a shower and a good night's sleep! I've been going all day and did my exercise too! I have the feeling I'm gonna be sore in the morning, but that's why I'm gonna get my butt up and go to the gym before I head to work! I'm thrilled to be getting back to the shop as well, even though I know this may be my last week there. I really hope not! I love my job, and really don't look forward to trying to find a new one! Well, I'll deal with that burning bridge when I get to it! Right now, I'm just enjoying feeling good physically! Tomorrow I'm gonna go see if I can find some weights to fill in the missing ones I need. Wish me luck!

Week 3 Day 5

Feeling really good today! Got on the scale this morning and lost a pound! Ok, .8 pounds, but close enough! I've still got 19 to go by September 10 to make my next goal. I can do it, just gotta keep bustin ass! I've got so many people around me who are so supportive! Life is feeling really good! I had a great dinner, did my exercises and even cleaned the kitchen!!  I decided it's time to move past "getting to know the program" and started using some heavier weights for part of the ChaLean program. I'm still stuck with some exercises being lighter weights than I'd like simply because of what I have. I have 2- 3lbs, 1- 12 lb, 1- 20 lb, and 2- 25 lbs. Have no idea why Scott brought me the 25 pounders! I'm hoping to add some in between weights a little at a time. They're not expensive but until Scott gets back to work I just can't do it and I don't want to ask Dave to buy them. I'll get everything going just right very soon! 

I said I would post my 30 day starting pics so here they are

Week 3 Day 4

I've finally gotten things fairly well in order. I think I'll be able to get back to work next week and get myself really, really on track!
I'll say it again...I love ChaLean! When I finish the workout, I'm totally drenched in sweat, my arms and legs feel like jello, and all I can think about is taking a shower, then a nap. Suddenly an amazing thing happens. I take my shower and out of nowhere I feel this amazing rush of energy! But not a hyper type energy. I don't know how to describe it. It's like my body feels like it's still working out!! I sleep great, and even though I pushed myself to edge I haven't woken up the next morning hurting. A little sore, yes. But a little stretching and walking around and that's gone. Not like other workouts that left me in pain for days and didn't give me this great feeling! I'll be posting my starting pics tomorrow.( gotta pick up usb cord from daughters)Then we'll see what 30 days of feeling that will do for me!!

Week 3 Day 1

4th of July. No fireworks but a great grilled steak dinner made by son-in-law Scott as a thank you for our help. Now the girls are back home and I've got at least a full day of cleaning up after the 'tornado kids'! However, with Christi still far from being recovered most of my time for the next week or 2 will be spent with them just trying to keep the girls from jumping on Mommy and her from trying to pick them up! I will be doing my exercises daily though. Amazingly the past few days I've been walking much less than before. Gotta work on that! It's time to get back to it! I'm heading to the gym in the morning and then I'll do my ChaLean in the evening when I get back home. Eating right is difficult out there, so I better plan on packing my own food! Wish me luck!!

Week 2 Day 7

The family is all safe, healthy, and happy. Now, I can get back to focusing on this body! Tomorrow morning I'll be starting the ChaLean Extreme program. I'll be doing it every day, no excuses. I'm down to 34.5 weeks til my birthday, and even though I realize it's unlikely I'm gonna lose 100 pounds in that time, I'm determined to get as close as possible. I have decided that I'm going to change the goal in order to avoid a failure that's going to lead to giving up. So, 34 weeks at 1.5 pounds per week=51 pounds. That would put me at 195 which would be less than I've weighed in over 10 years! That's what I'm calling my minimum goal. Anything more than that will be a bonus! 
I've also started a clothing fund. I'm paying myself to lose! Got a ceramic piggy bank(so I can't steal from myself) and I'm depositing $5 for each pound I lose. That will go on until my birthday and I'll use the cash to buy myself something really nice

Week 2 Day 6

Everything is now good with Christi and family and they'll be going home tomorrow! Phew! What an amazingly stressful week! The next week or 2 I'll be spending alot of time out at the house with them, but I think I'll still be doing better.  I've had several people tell me that I need to just make sure my family understands that I need to take time for myself. That my exercise time and such has to come first. I understand the concept but I can't agree with it. When my family needs me, that will always come first. I will do my best to get in time for my personal stuff, but only after my family responsibilities are taken care of. 

Week 2 Day 4

Damn! I was doing so well at keeping up with this daily! Being at the hospital all day and then having the babies at night doesn't leave me with much time! Well, I really haven't been very careful with my food, but then again, I've been too busy to actually eat too much!!  I was so terrified when they decided Christi would have to have a c-section. It seems like everything about this pregnancy has just gone from bad to worse! Then they take him away to NICU! And he's still there! They talked about him taking too long to start breathing and of course I'm scared to death. Of course I couldn't show any signs of being worried because all this has been Christi's worst nightmare for the past 6 months. I had to make sure she saw I wasn't worried because that's the only way she would feel even close to ok. Pretending to be calm and unconcerned is truly exhausting! Fortunately, he's doing so much better and we can actually breathe easier. Now, I still have the girls with me but at least I'm not worrying about that middle of the night call! I will definitely be focusing a little better! 

Week 2 Day 1

I guess it's now 36 weeks instead of 37. To actually hit my goal by my birthday, which is where the 37 weeks came from, I need to lose 2.72 pounds a week. I know that's not realistic for every single week but if I work really hard and pay attention to what I'm doing I'll be a hell of a lot closer than I am now! And most importantly, I'll be a hell of a lot healthier. I'm spending this week really focusing on balancing out my food choices. Yes, I'm getting plenty of walking in but I'm not really concerning myself too much with heavy exercise. Next week, I'll be starting the ChaLean Extreme program and I'm determined to be committed to it daily. I really think it's going to be a great program for me. 
I was so proud of myself yesterday. We decided to have Subway for dinner. For years, I have always gotten the exact same sandwich. The Italian BMT with pickles, black olives, banana peppers, and oil and vinegar. Oh, and extra cheese! Yesterday I had the Subway Club with Pepper Jack cheese(not extra), lettuce, bell pepper, pickles, black olives, banana peppers, and EXTRA LIGHT on the vinegar and oil. This was huge for me. Took me almost 10 minutes to make the decision. And you know what? It was a great sandwich!  Slowly but surely I'm heading in the right direction! Maybe next time I'll leave off the vinegar and oil. Then next time leave off the cheese. Wait, lets get real...I'm not leaving off the cheese!! 

Week 1 Day 7

I've now completed my first week as a "blogger"!  Who would have thought just writing things down every day could make me feel better and clear my head! Uhmm, millions of people for a few hundred years???
So, Today was pretty good. I spent most of it helping Christi get the house "cleaned up" so it'll be ready for bringing home the baby.  I decided since I know this is gonna be a long hard week I'd take it easy this weekend. Probably should have done more but that's life! 
I'm feeling really good. Making my first mini goal with time to spare has given me a positive feeling. Next goal will be just as fabulous. I just know it will!!  I'll try to get in a few days at the gym but no promises. Work days are gonna be long enough as it is since I'll be taking Wednesday off! 
Onward to Week 2!  14 pounds til my next photo update and 20 pounds to my next mini goal!!! 

Week 1 Day 6

Well, I'll be damned! So yesterday I had that psychological "I feel good, I feel light" thing going on...
 So, I stepped on the scale this morning.....terror..fear... and what do you know...Lost 2.4 pounds!! Ok, ok...so maybe the people who created this system do know a little more than me!  So, I'm gonna work it the way it was designed, with a few little tweaks. More protein, less carbs, not the full 1600 calories. And eating some exercise calories as well. That's still kind of hard for me to wrap my brain around. I understand it, but that inner voice still keeps saying,"Why'd you bother working off those calories"? Because I'm creating a stronger body. A body with more muscle and less fat. The pounds will take care of themselves!! 
Scott brought over the heavier weights so I'm really gonna focus on doing the ChaLean Extreme. 
I have to remember not to take this success lightly! I've now lost 20 pounds and that's great, but I can't get comfortable with that. I've still got 100 pounds to go. That's always been my downfall. I lose some...get way too confident, say "I got this! No problem".... and in no time it's all back! I refuse to do this again! I was born fat. I've lived over half my lifetime fat. I will not live the rest of the time I have on this planet fat! Period! 

Week 1- Day 5

I've increased my calorie goal to 1500 for 2 days now. I haven't made it but I've definitely upped my intake and I have to say I do feel better.
Aside from feeling more energetic, I feel...how do I explain this? Have you ever gotten up one morning and just felt "lighter"? I know I didn't just suddenly lose 20 pounds overnight but that's kinda what it feels like! I'm sure the extra energy has something to do with it. I forced myself to NOT get on the scale this morning simply because I wanted to hold onto this feeling all day!  
Yes I get on the scale every morning. I know I can't go by what it says day to day, but it's like a morning reminder of what I'm trying to do. If it's a little lower than the day before it makes me feel positive and ready to push even more to make it keep happening. If it's a little higher, it makes me focus a little more that day on what I'm doing. Just a psychological trick I guess! This morning I decided I didn't care what it said. The only important thing today was the great way I felt! I already know this weekend isn't going to be my best weigh in, so I'll just do my best to eat right and stay as active as possible. Shouldn't be a problem considering I'll be doing yard work with the babies and 3 dogs tomorrow, and Sunday I'll be at their house helping get things "ready for the new baby to come home"!!! 
Oh, since everything is upside down and hectic right now, I've decided to wait until next Thursday or Friday to start the ChaLean program formally. By then things will be settled down some and I'll be able to make sure I have time scheduled daily

Week 1 Day 4

I am completely exhausted! I did no official exercise today but I feel like I did them all! Spent the past 8 hours playing with the grandkids and they have worn me out! According to my pedometer I walked over 5 miles today doing just 'life'! I do feel pretty good though! I think eating better today and yesterday helped. Son-in-law forgot to bring the weights but to be honest I'm not that upset. The ChaLean program busted my ass using just the 3 pounders! I know I need more weight to be really effective and I've actually decided to treat this as an 'introductory period'. When I get the other weights I'm going to start over with Day 1 and do the whole thing right! That's the point right? I have 2 days before I officially log my weight again. Not sure it's going to be any different though. Who knows....maybe my body will surprise me!! Doesn't happen often, but it has happened!!!

Week 1-Day 3-New plan

I guess I'm not really making a new plan so much as revising and adjusting it. I've been thinking alot about the whole question of how many calories and how much exercise. I have no issues with the exercise but I've been making sure I only eat about 1200 to 1300 calories a day. Total. First few weeks? Great! Now? Weight loss has been dragging and so have I.  I literally have to force myself up in the morning after getting plenty of sleep. But I haven't been sleeping very well either and that's unheard of for me! It's taking me close to an hour to actually get myself up and that's ridiculous. I go to work and within an hour I feel like I've been there half the day and when I get home I just want to collapse. I don't even feel enough energy to wash some dishes! 
So, I'm taking the advise of several people and upping my calories. I really think I'm just not getting enough nourishment. Hopefully, I'll start feeling better soon and  I'll be right back on track. I hate that I joined a group challenge at this point and 2 other people are depending on me doing my best. It is a summer long challenge though, so hope they understand that this first week may not be my best!  
Other than that, it's been a pretty good day. When I stopped for coffee this morning the girl behind the counter told me there was something different about me today. That I just looked different. It's not recognizing the weight loss but in a way it is! I'll take it!!!

Week 1- Day 2

Today was definitely a good day! Just doing my day to day walking I logged 3 miles on my pedometer. Not too shabby!  I made it to they gym this morning. Was running a little behind schedule so I just did 20 minutes on the treadmill but that was enough to get the blood flowing for the day! 
And now...for my favorite part of the day.....
Today I started ChaLean Extreme! I only have 3 pound weights but I decided that might be a good thing for my first try just to get an idea of what I was getting into.. 
I absolutely loved it!  I even did the pushups! On my knees of course but still.... I hate pushups!
I got all my measurements recorded last night so I can check my progress. That had me in tears for a while. Literally, I just sat down in the bathroom and cried.  But, I reminded myself, it's not the first time I've been this big. Then I stood up, looked in the mirror and said to myself(out loud), This WILL be the last time you EVER let yourself go like this! I think Dave was looking up psychiatrists in the phone book!!!
Seriously...Dave is so awesome! He's so incredibly supportive. I know if he was physically able he'd be in there working out with me! Maybe someday. 

Week 1- Day 1

Today was just one of those days! Stayed up too late last night (but so worth it to spend time with my family) so getting up in time to go to the gym was not gonna happen! Got to work and realized it was a 'bad digestion' day. Spent half the day running back and forth to the bathroom! Then, to top it all off, something happened that could only happen to me! I flushed my pedometer down the toilet! Unreal! So, I now have a new pedometer which I will faithfully wear daily and remember to remove from waistband before lowering said waistband! Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a more positively balanced day! 

53 Days in...1st day of blogging

I've never done this before. My experiences and feelings have always been something I've kept to myself. I'm thinking now that maybe that's not such a good thing. I keep starting over. I do great for a week or so, then get frustrated and slack off. It's my intention to post here daily about how I've done that day with my goals, how I feel about my progress, and hopefully I'll start having more and more positive, successful days. I don't know if anyone will read this but I guess it really doesn't matter. It's here for my mental health more than anything! Now, without further ado, It's time to start over...for the last time!