Week 7 Day 1

So, 7 weeks into this and the truth is I've done crap! I get a good start for a few days, then just slack off.  When I'm doing really good, I feel so strong and so proud of myself. So why do I screw that up? The other day I read a blog post of a friend. He said to succeed you have to know why you really want to do it. Not just the answers we're supposed to have. Be healthier, have more energy, be a good example. The real reason. Deep in your heart. I think that's my problem. I don't know. Yes, I want all those things. And yes, I want to look better. But what is the real, deep down, root of it all, reason. I've been fat since the day I was born. I've never in my life had a year, a month, a week, that I wasn't fat. It's what I know. Maybe the problem isn't that I don't know the reason I want it. Maybe the problem is fear. If I succeed and lose the weight I want, will it change who I am? I've seen it happen to people. I like the person I am. I guess I'm afraid that by completely changing the outside, the inside will change as well. I've also always had a fear of rejection. The man I love fell in love with me as I am now. He tells me every day how beautiful I am. Will it change the way he sees me? Will he not be as attracted to me? I know him well enough to know that his love for me is not just physical attraction, but after years of being "the fat girl" you get used to the fact that you are attractive to men who "have a thing for big girls".  He also tells me how proud of me he is. He's encouraging but doesn't push. That's because he's going to love me fat or thin. I have to keep reminding myself of that every day. Sometimes it's just easier to say "Why risk it"? However, he may like what he sees, but when I look in the mirror, I don't. And I have to keep remembering that this is about me. Another thing I have problems with. It's hard for me to think in those terms. If I'm ever going to be able to be happy with what I see in the mirror, I have to get over my fear. I know the truth, and I have to stop letting that negative voice in the back keep scaring me away. I have to start loving myself enough to say "I will be the person I want to be inside and out". I can and will do this. And nothing is going to stop me.